Simi: Here's My Top Five Public Places To Have Sex, For Those In relationships Looking To Spice Things Up - YKTR The Mag

Simi: Here’s My Top Five Public Places To Have Sex, For Those In relationships Looking To Spice Things Up

5 – The Movies

It’s nice and dark, plenty of background noise. Popcorn covers the smell of that sweeness too.

The key here is to pick an old movie, something she’s already seen.

The last thing you want is you’re trying to have a crack and she’s stuck into the plot of some new release.

Older movies means the cinema is probably a bit empty too, less chance you can get caught.

Then again, maybe you want to get caught?

Remember having a wank as a kid and mum or dad walk in, makes you cum quicker…

“Holy fuck son, what are doing with that photo of aunty?!”

Get on the floor just after the opening credits and start that tumble.

The floor will be a bit sticky so straight into doggy.

Probably a bit of popcorn and Maltesers on the ground too, if you want a snack halfway through.

4 – Restaurant toilets

A classic.

Say you catch each other from across another table, and lock eyes.

Stare at her while you polish off a little duck raggu.

You both get up at the same time, and bump shoulders on the way to the bathroom. That’s the universal sign that you’re on.

Unisex/disabled toilets are always the way to go – in and out

Standing up obviously, legs over the forearms – passionate shit.

You’ve still got ya t-shirt still on, jeans around the ankles, whispering to her to stay quiet.

3 – Carpark at Coles

This is a nice easy bridge into the world of public sex.

Probably a new relationship this one. Horny as, can’t make 5 minutes down the road without having a crack.

A real quick jump on, jump off type vibe this.

Before you get the groceries, maybe you’re both a bit hungover over, horny as, and the radio hits that trigger of emotion.

Best because you work up a little appetite too and then boom, you’re right there.

All of a sudden you walk into Coles feeling like bloody Clint Eastwood.

2 – The office

Always. fun little go-to this one.

Say Ice is in NZ for a few days. and naturally I’m in charge.

The fridge is full of drinks so you take a little shorty for an after hours tour of the facilities.

Maybe sneak her a little Fanta hoodie (Lukey’s pro tip that).

Show her what we’ve go going on here, dodge Melo’s shit and you’re away.

1 – The Marae

Kiwis will understand.

Someone’s died, okay. And we all know death is the number one aphrodisiac.

Day 2-3 of the old Tangihanga, your horny as and have just met your second cousin. Shit gets loose on day three too.

You’re both on the same page as everyone gets ready for bed, but still gotta be sneaky about it.

Pro tip: drag the mattress over next to the uncle who snores the loudest. That will drown out any carry on.

Gotta go the spoon though, can’t be getting all high postured and accidentally lock eyes with Nan across the room.

Chilled thrusts only, keep that shit low.

You walk out in the morning thinking you’ve gotten away with one and beauty, someone’s stolen your shoes.

That’s what you get for fucking your cousin I guess. What a world aye.

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The man behind the Jordan's Room podcast and regularly features on YKTR Footy Companions. As scat as they come, and responsible for all the dog emojis currently landing in girl's DMs.

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